No more sleep for me

If I live to be 80, I will have spent 26 years in bed. Frankly, I've got better things to do. Like drinking coffee (legally required in Seattle, where I live), writing, driving my motorhome or dining at a roadside cafe where the waitresses chew gum and call you "Hon."

Thinking about the time I waste sleeping bothers me. It's not just the sleeping itself. Before you sleep, you have to get ready, which means brushing your teeth, taking a few pills to keep yourself alive, and changing into your pajamas. Getting up is worse. You look terrible with your hair all messed up, and there's stuff in the corners of your eyes, and you have morning breath. So you have to waste precious time preparing yourself to look as good as you did before you went to bed the night before. So why not just stay up?

Some scientists say we sleep because when we were cavemen it was tough finding food. So we holed up in caves at night to conserve energy — so we could get by on less. I guess if you're in a dark cave, there's nothing better to do than sleep. There was no TV or Internet back then, so sleep was logical.

But now we have plenty of food. Just look around. Half the guys in America over 40 have bellies that sag over their belts.

And frankly, I've been thinking about what it's like to be asleep. You crawl into bed, close your eyes, and for the next eight hours trust God that Charlie Manson won't show up.

So I'd like to announce that I will not sleep anymore. I have plenty of food to eat, so I don't need to conserve energy. And, frankly, I'm totally bored with getting out of bed, doing a couple of chores, squeezing in a few meals, then getting back into bed, then doing the same thing over and over again. I've already slept for at least 18 years. Enough is enough. Now that I have decided not to sleep anymore, I plan to use my extra time learning how to tune up engines and seal RV roof leaks.